Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
we’re dead?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.