instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers