The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
For those that worship cheese..
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.