My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
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From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Best seat on the street 😍
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
What about second breakfast?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
We all have our pet causes.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*