The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
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Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.