“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
You Might Also Like
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Just say no
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.