Very good news from my accountant
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Before & after 😅
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know