I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.