Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
You Might Also Like
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Free him
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
The dark side of Canada
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The options really are this bad
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat