they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
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hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.