16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
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#CoronaOutbreak
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.