5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted