how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Wikigenius
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again