Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
🙁
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
when someone rings the doorbell
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
New favorite tiktok
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.