[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe