[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Straight people are cancelled
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret