To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
This is why I hate group projects
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot