*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.