Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You Might Also Like
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.