When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.