If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
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I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
That’s fair
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.