If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted