Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Education is vital
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.