Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.