On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.