“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
My dog after a walk in the woods.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
whatcha thinkin bout
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST