Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th