My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here