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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars