Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You Might Also Like
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.