It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
these two trucks have the same bed length
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.