I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Wake me when AI does housework
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.