“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.