My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?