Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Venn
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.