Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I am all good here, 😂😉
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say