[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.