Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Thou shalt not commit adulthood