Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
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Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Personal question. #JustSaying
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*