I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
yeah not falling for this one
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.