My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Shower sex be like:
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?