How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
2 years later
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Can’t. Being lazy.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?