Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
*mops up wine with cat*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.