*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Sorry not sorry.