Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
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[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?