FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
im all 3
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
handsome & gretel
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people