I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You Might Also Like
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways