Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?