Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Taliband
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts