Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
You Might Also Like
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…